My head, write now

I’m writing this right now to calm my brain. I’ve no idea what I’m about to write but I am hoping it will untangle the restless procrastination coupled with a sense of urgency that is whirring round my head right now.

I joked last night on Twitter that: “Today I feel like that 14 year old who sat in her bedroom drawing shite art whilst choking on a Marlboro red to convey her inner torture about living in a village with scant bus services” – but I woke up feeling EXACTLY the same this morning.

It like there’s someone tearing cotton wool up in my head – it’s both comforting and intensely annoying. And also, I couldn’t help but wonder (no, Carrie Bradshaw DOES NOT own that phrase any more, OK) – have I just put it all there myself – this nonsense about mental health problems. Have I made it up? If I proactively go for an assessment, am I simply ‘buying’ a diagnosis? Or will I be disappointed when I’m told, yep, that’s all a bit reminiscent of anxiety. All perfectly normal. Don’t you worry.

Ironic to worry about having nothing to worry about.

Does it make me an attention seeker if I need validation?

But I’ve ended up in mediation at work too many times. I am the common denominator here. Can I just not interact with people? Am I actually paranoid? Am I actually self-absorbed? Why do I make people dislike me?

And if the problem is me – how will I cope if it’s simply a personality flaw and nothing pathological?

And if the problem isn’t me, but simply circumstantial – why me (screams the 14 year old tortured soul.) Why is life so unfair. What is wrong with me. Why does everyone hate me.

Yes – I know JUST how petulant that sounds.

I thought – a morning with nothing to do. I can write. And then I sat staring at the laptop doing nowt. So I thought – I could go for a walk, get some fresh air. And immediately found a reason not to (I don’t have a dog).

I thought – I could go shopping. And immediately found a reason not to (that’s retail therapy. Retail therapy when you’re not formally employed is BAD). It’s all too much effort at the minute. But my brain won’t sit still.

So I clicked ‘write’ in wordpress and I spewed this nonsense up.

To be honest, I’m not sure I’ve learnt anything. Except that I’ve moved on from dry pastels and paper with a backdrop of Courtney Love. It’s now a laptop, a blog site and a backdrop of Saturday Morning Kitchen.

Perhaps I should go for that walk. But…I’ve hit a bit of a brick wall.